So drunk its hurt
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
