my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
