I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
then he tried to convert me to islam
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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