I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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