When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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