I'm drive I can fine osifer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
