I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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