When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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