you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
