Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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