Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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