Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And then he peed in my hair
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
