oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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