Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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