I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
