im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
