oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
