I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
