Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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