my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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