my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
