I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
