We're like a lot better than the average bears
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
