Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
