My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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