Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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