i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Congratulations! We have a period
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