and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
