I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
