for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
