I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
