I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
