The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
