"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
