Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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