It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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