nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
