I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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