I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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