So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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