A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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