He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
