ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
