i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
