This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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