Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
