i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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