whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In other news, I just burned my penis
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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