Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
