Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
