Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
