Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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