he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
