So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
