Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
