I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
