My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
