i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
