I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
