I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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