If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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