I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
