Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
