phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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