I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
where am i from again
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
