dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize