So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
