I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
