peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
