Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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